++ saje nak seronok seronok ++

Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of me life! between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
"You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."



Telephone Bill*> >
The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...
*Dad:* People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone; I use the one at the office.
*Mum:* Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work> telephone
*Son:* Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile
*Maid:* So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones


*Prospective Employer to Applicant *: 'So why did you leave your previous job?'
*Applicant:* 'The company relocated and they did not tell me where!'
***************

You were riding a bus, when you suddenly fart.Luckily the music is very loud. Every time you farted, you timed it with the music. When you were going down the bus, everybody were throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realized . . . .. that you have your MP3 player on your ears
***************

*WIFE:* It's a miracle! You came home early.
*HUSBAND:* I just obeyed what my boss told me to do. He said: 'GO TO HELL', that's why I came home early
***************

John: It's my wife's birthday
Peter: What's your gift to her?
John: I asked her what she wanted
Peter: What did she said?
John: Anything, as long as there is a DIAMOND.
Peter: What did you gave her?
John: playing cards
***************

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and> Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student : "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor : "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be> a professor!"
Student : "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. However, if you do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam."
Professor : "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student : "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers : "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
------------------------------

++ Just for LAUGHS ++

I just have to share this with you gals la...to think of it kan, betul jugak...

PERIHAL FILEM-FILEM
Berikut adalah perbezaan antara filem/drama MELAYU, CINA dan INDIA

Drama/Filem Melayu

1. 80% jalan cerita berkisar tentang:
a. Cinta.
b. Cinta 3 segi
c. Cinta 4 segi.
d. Anak-anak rebut harta pusaka.
e. Kalau keluarga kaya, anak2 rebut sapa nak gantikan Tan Sri (ayah) jadi Pengerusi, CEO atau Presiden syarikat.

2. Walau pun cerita pasal awek kilang, rumah awek kilang ni mesti complete furnished. Ada TV 29", Home Teatre, peti sejuk besar, setsofa mewah. (Director tak buat home work ker? Pegi la tengok umah awek kilang kat Sungei Way tu).

3. Cerita polis lak, dialah pegawai penyiasat, dialah jadi forensic, dialah jadi pathologist, dialah yang gi ambush. Semuanya DIA yang buat. Polis lak dialog pakai bahasa buku "Saya rasa kita patut siasat dengan lebih terperinci tuan". " Betul cadangan awak itu. Kita bertindak sekarang".

4. Kalau cerita pasal Construction, bawak satu pelan gulung, pakaitopi KUNING, tunjuk-tunjuk kat bangunan tengah buat, discuss dengan 'kepala' Indon, komplen kenapa projek lambat siap kat Indon tadi. (Topi kuning utk pekerja buruh la bang ).

5. Adegan doktor kat Wad check pesakit. Ambik fail hujung katil, selak-selak. Dialog wajib : "Kesihatan awak bertambah baik. Banyakkan berehat dan jangan lupa makan ubat ". ( Woi bang, tengokla cerita ER tu, Dr ada medical terms dia ).

6. Adegan kat umah. Ayah mesti tengah baca paper, Mak mesti tengah menjahit atau lipat baju. Orang gaji tengah basuh pinggan. Orang gaji mesti nama dia Mak Nab atau Mak Jah.

7. Nak panjangkan rakaman filem mesti ada adegan kereta sampai kat umah, bukak pintu kereta, bukak pintu pagar, masuk balik kereta, drive masuk car porch, keluar, tutup pintu pagar.

8. Adegan sembahyang mesti dah salam akhir or adegan mengaji Quran mesti dah sampai part "sadakallah hulazim". ( Cover line kot ).

9. Gangster atau kuncu orang jahat mesti pakai baju takder lengan, pakai rantai dan pakai bracelet.

10. Nak bagi sedih gila, mesti buat adegan dah tahu nak mati pasal kena barah otak.

Drama/Filem Cina

1. Cerita Kungfu, hero terror boleh terbang. Tapi sambung pengembaraan mesti jalan kaki. Apsal tak terbang jek. Kan cepat sampai.

2. Hero mesti miskin gila. Tapi mesti ada sekeping or 2 keping duit siling kat celah lengan besar jubah dia.

3. Kalau cerita moden hero boleh lawan dan tewaskan 30 orang penjahat > serentak.

4. Biasalah, kalau kena tembak mesti kat bahu or kat kaki. Tak mati.

5. Heroin mesti jadi bini or girlfriend boss penjahat dan jatuh cinta kat hero.

6. Hero mesti menembak pakai 2 pistol, kiri dan kanan. Macam Chow Yuen Fatt dalam filem 'A Better Tomorrow'. Tapi best ooo.....

7. Pistol hero mesti peluru tak habis2. Tak payah reload.

8. Cerita hantu, hantu dia biasanya pakai bedak muka tebal2 dan hitamkan keliling mata. Kat bibir ada darah meleleh. ( Tak seram pun).

9. Kalau cerita lucu plak, mesti ada adegan air liur meleleh keluar mulut macam air paip.

10. Cerita Blue dia pun tak best. Awek mengerang jek lebih.

Drama/Filem India/Hindustan.

1. Biasalah, kebanyakan cerita bermula dengan 2 beradik terpisah. Sorang di bela oleh orang jahat dan sorang lagi dibela oleh orang baik. Dah besar, abang jadi Inspektor Sahab dan adik jadi gangster. Nak abih cerita mesti adik kena tembak ngan abang dan waktu nazak baru si bang tahu yang dia tembak tadi adalah adiknya sendiri melalui tanda parut (kuang, kuang, kuaaannggg)

2. Orang jahat digambarkan tersangat jahat sampai lembu pun takut.

3. Selalunya depa suka ciplak bulat2 filem barat macam Pretty Woman, Face Off dan Heat.

4. Paling pendek pun jangkamasa tayangan adalah 3 jam.

5. Orang jahat dan hero payah nak mati walaupun kepala dah kena ketuk dengan tukul besi.

6. Hero tak kena tembak walaupun ditembak dari jarak satu kaki.

7. Adegan joget sambil menyanyi akan melibatkan penari iringan seramai satu kampong dan bertukar 7 atau 8 pasang pakaian untuk setiap lokasi hanya untuk satu lagu.

8. Adegan keretapi tak leh tertinggal. Joget reramai sampai atas bumbung keretapi.

9. Kalau cerita moden, dialog mesti bercampur bahasa omputeh dan Hindi. Contoh ' I'm sorry. I didn't know that na pere tomhe cha....bla....bla....bla...'.

10. Biasanya plot dan jalan cerita da boleh baca apa penyudahnya. Tu yang pelik ramai plak yang tunggu sampai abih.

Sekian laporan ikhlas untuk pedoman tuan2 director filem.

Yang benar,
Ah Yau Jengkol Spielberg. ( Sepupu tiri sebelah nenek sedara Steven Spielberg )